Stuck on Red
by Alec McDowell
Summary: When things go wrong after exploring a new planet, Jim and Dean find themselves unwitting toys for the rest of the Enterprise crew.


**AN:** OK I wrote this three years ago, along with the other three in this series, coming after Space Ghost. This is the fourth and final one. I never posted it, because, every time I think of it I can't decide if it's really funny or the stupidest thing ever thought of in the history of everything. So you'll have to decide for me. I do not own Supernatural or Star Trek and after three years I am still pining away for the sequel to the reboot.

* * *

"Jim, move!" Dean Winchester shouted. The red-skinned aliens were closing in on him and Captain James T. Kirk fast, but they were almost to the transport spot where the rest of the Enterprise's away team had already beamed back up to the ship. They were the last two to leave after trying futilely to save the red shirted Ensign Dombrowski. Dean and Jim ran along the dusty street, finally reaching the transport location.

Kirk whipped out his communicator and shouted "Enterprise, now!" Just as the customary white lines of transporting began to flow around them, a powerful red beam flashed brilliantly, temporarily blinding the pair. Dean blinked slowly as the red began to fade. He and Jim were standing in the Enterprise's transporter bay and seemed to be unaffected from whatever the red aliens red beam had been. He moved to exit the room, wondering why the door didn't seem to be getting any closer… Oh, shit.

_Dammit! My legs are frozen!_ He thought angrily to himself. Dean tried to open his moth to say as much, but nope, that wasn't working either. A quick check of all his parts showed that the only part of his body not completely immobile were his eyes. Frantically he looked to his right to see that Jim seemed to be in exactly the same position he was.

The pair started at each other in horror before somebody cleared their throat. Looking back out at the room, they saw Scotty looking at them curiously. "Um, Captain" he began. "D'ya think you might be headin' off now? The doc'll want ta be takin' a look at yas…" Jim stared at the chief engineer, not moving a muscle. A minute went by before Scotty tried again. "Captain? Dean? Ummm… come now, let's have a move on."

More staring. Scotty slowly approached Jim, as if the captain might suddenly lunge at him. Reaching his side, Scotty very gently poked Kirk. The captain blinked, but otherwise did not move. With a frown, Scotty turned and poked Dean as well, receiving only a glare in response. The engineer made a contemplative noise and then suddenly put a hand on both men's chests, pushing gently.

As stiff as they both were, this caused Jim and Dean to promptly topple over, hitting the floor of the transport pad with matching thuds. Scotty let out a noise that sounded a bit too much like a giggle, and then cleared his throat, announcing "Right, well, seems we've got a wee little problem here, aye?" he pulled out his communicator as Jim and Dean glared up at him from their resting spot on their backs. "Scott to McCoy. We got a bit of a situation down here. It's the captain and Dean Winchester."

"Dammit, Jim." The doctor's voice growled back out at them. "I'll send the Kirk Retrieval Unit up to get them."

While Scotty waited for the KRU to arrive he decided to try and see what sorts of things he could do with the statuesque figures in front of him. He grabbed a hold of Dean's shoulders and pulled him upwards so that he was sitting with his legs sprawled out in front. Dean was managing to look extremely pissed and extremely alarmed all without moving any of the muscles in his face. Scotty pulled away, pleased when Dean remained sitting how he'd moved the man. Next he grabbed the captain, pulling him up and then crossing his legs so Jim was sitting Indian-style on the floor. "Oh, man, captain, this has some great potential, ya know. I bet I could…"

Luckily they never found out what exactly Scotty could do as the KRU finally arrived. After they were filled in the team simply picked up Dean and Jim and slung them over their shoulders to drag down to the sickbay, Scotty following behind. As soon as they got there McCoy turned to the engineer and growled "Mind telling me what the hell happened?"

"I donno! They were beamed up, frozen as statues. Canea move at all. On their own, I mean- I was perfectly capable of manipulatin 'em a bit…"

McCoy sighed wearily before running his tricorder over both of the men in front of him. "Well, Jim, at least you're not bleeding everywhere this time." Jim glared at Bones, who kept on talking like he hadn't seen. "Though I was hoping Dean here would've been a good influence on you not getting your ass in trouble… obviously I've been off smoking with Sulu too much." The tricorder beeped as it's readings were complete. McCoy backed away to take a better look, when Scotty peered over his shoulder to peek.

After looking through the data the engineer barked out a quick laugh. McCoy just raised a particularly disgruntled eyebrow at him, and Scotty explained. "See, now I know wha' happened to 'em. The red aliens down on that red planet use this weird kind o' red energy to do e'rythin' with. Move things, power, things stop things, ya name it, they do it. Easy to counter, and something like this should wear off in about three days or so. No harm."

"Three days, you saw" the doctor drawled slowly. "According to these readings I could easily whip up a hypo and get them back on their feet in about ten minutes. Buuuuuuuut-" he drew the word out as a wicked gleam appeared in his eyes. "we could always leave them like this. They don't have to know we can fix them."

Scotty laughed again, pleased with the doctor's idea. "That's the spirit, McCoy! Let the crew have a bit o' fun with the boys, good times indeed." He scurried back over to the captain and Dean, propping them up on the biobeds as Bones smoothed his face out into a neutral expression before turning back towards his patients.

"Jim, Dean, some good news and some bad news. The good news is you're only going to be stuck like this for three days" he began. "The bad news is that once the three days are up you will die, slowly and painfully." At that pronouncement Jim's eyes looked panicked, and he looked for all the worlds like a scared little kid. Dean merely looked bored, as if the idea of imminent death was something he was well acquainted with.

Bones turned around and made as if to leave them sitting there before looking back with a smirk ripped right off of Jim's currently impassive face. "Just playin'! The three day wait is real but after that the red beam energy will wear off and you two will be fine. I'm just gonna give you both a couple of hypos so you don't need to worry about bodily functions of any kind."

The doctor administered said hyposprays to both patients as Sam Winchester walked into the sickbay. McCoy spotted him and walked over, leaving the statues alone to gaze about. Dean could just see his brother talking to the doctor out of the corner of his eye. Sam looked worried, but as McCoy explained the situation his lips began to twitch, just a bit, before finally a huge smile blossomed on the younger Winchester's face. He looked over at Dean and proceeded to- _You are shitting me_, Dean thought- rub his hands together with an expression of manic glee in his eyes. Dean knew that look. That was not a good Sammy look. Not at all.

Sam walked the rest of the way over to his brother. "Hey, Dean. Dr. McCoy says the two of you need to spend the night down here for observation. On a scale of one to hell, how are you holding up?" Dean did not dignify that with a response except to glare in Sam's general direction. His brother continued on. "Alright, then. I'm heading out but I'll be by first thing in the morning. Probably gonna have to baby-sit you two while the grown-ups are busy running the warship."

Bones came over and pushed Jim and Dean back onto the beds as Sam left, and with a gruff muttering about idiotic captains and no good serial killers turned off the lights to the medbay and left the two to their own devices.

* * *

The next morning Sam and McCoy sauntered in together, chatting about something suitable for guys as boring as they happened to be, Dean thought with an internal groan. The pair didn't even stop as they came over and sat up him and the captain, leaving towards the CMO's office right away. They came back though, with two cups of replicated coffee and a plate full of replicated scones. Grabbing chairs, they sat down right in between Jim and Dean. Sam grabbed his brother's arm and opened up his left fist, placing his cup of coffee in Dean's grip. He turned back to the doctor as the other man did the same to Kirk, and they continued to blather, oblivious to the dark looks the statues were sending their ways.

After a while Bones had to get to his duties for the day, so Sam levitated the two immobilized men and left the medbay. Jim wondered where the hell Sam could possibly be taking them as he bobbed up and down in the turbolift. Sam had stopped at the rec level, and the two floating bodies behind him followed into the Enterprise's gym. Sulu and Chekov were inside, clearly waiting for them. "Good morning, Keptin! Hello, Meester Winchester" Chekov called out enthusiastically.

"We thought we'd take advantage of your present condition," Sulu told them "to see exactly which one of you could wear the most coats at once." Jim and Dean gaped at the pair as best as they could, clearly confused. "You see, we had all these extra coats lying around, from that Klingon Clothing Drive we started a few months ago. Before we remembered they'd prefer our broken bodies over some out of fashion winter wear." The captain knew what his helmsman was talking about. The KCD has been one of his most embarrassing moments as a captain, even though it was mostly Spock's fault for not reminding Jim earlier of the futility of his gesture. As far as Jim was concerned, everything was a little Spock's fault.

He tuned back in time to hear Chekov say "And, so, with all these extra coats lying about ze ship, Hikaru and I decided to have a Coat-Off." With twin looks of horror in their eyes Jim and Dean could only watch as Sulu and Chekov sprang into motion, sprinting over to the large mound of aesthetically displeasing coats behind them. Layer after layer was shoved onto Jim and Dean; Sam calling out numbers of coats for goals and Chekov shouting "I can do zat!" at each figure. When finally there were No More Coats getting onto either of them, Dean was wearing 27 different coats to Kirk's 24. Both were currently as wide as a car, and even as Sam moved to take a holoimage of Sulu and Chekov standing beside the overly clothed individuals Dean couldn't help but feel a small measure of pride at kicking Jim's ass at wearing more coats. Even as a statue, Dean Winchester was still the man.

* * *

The rest of the day passed by as normally as possible when you were frozen solid and being telekinetically carted around like luggage. As night came Sam took the pair back to the medbay and laid them back down on their beds before leaving. Jim couldn't sleep like this, but he was glad for the quiet. He and Dean had gotten weird looks from every crew member they'd passed and Jim was ready to stop being so damn entertaining when he wasn't even moving. The rest of the ship was silent but before long, Jim heard the distinctive Scottish accent of Scotty whispering to somebody just outside his line of sight.

"Keenser, no! You cannae pose the captain and Dean like they are action figures OR tunnels to crawl through! Tha's not why we're here!" The engineer came into view of Jim at last. He couldn't see the man's little assistant but obviously the creature was in the room as well. "Aye, Captain" Scotty whispered. "Don' mind me, just gonna move ya a bit sos you're more comfy-like, yeah?" He carefully picked Jim up, and, to his horror deposited him onto Dean's bed. With Dean.

"A'ight just a bit more now, friends." Scotty murmured. He pulled and pushed at Jim and Dean until the pair were cuddled into each other, legs entwined and Dean's face resting in Jim's neck. "Awww ain't yous adorable" Scotty cooed at them as the men plotted dark vengeance upon him. He and Keenser left the medbay behind and all Jim and Dean could do was stew as they reluctantly cuddled with each other.

* * *

The next morning their hit list grew as Bones and Sam both made kissy noises and other annoying sounds at them, before using them as coffee holders again. This time Sam took them up to the officers quarters, Lieutenant Uhura's, specifically. Jim's eyes shone as he bobbed slowly next to Sam outside Uhura's quarters. He'd never been inside the communications officer's room before and was looking forward to it.

Three hours later Uhura, Gaila and Nurse Chapel were all added to The List. Sam had fled right after depositing Dean and Jim onto Uhura's couch. Dean was clearly also looking forward to today, until the women got started on their plans. First they gossiped about everything BUT sex, to the men's dismay. Next they painted each other's toenails. Then the women painted Jim and Dean's toenails. Finally they applied some sort of mask that apparently contained some sort of hallucinogenic properties that Kirk was pretty sure he should ban, as it rendered the men completely unable to tell what was going on around them. Even if they secretly came to later feeling very relaxed (and oddly sore in weird places) the two would never admit it. Sam's arrival was a welcome relief for the pair and the medbay had never looked more like sanctuary. The rest of the night played out the same as the previous, with Scotty sneaking in to make the two cuddle against their wills. In the morning, Sam and Bones again came in together, and again used Jim and Dean as their human cup holders.

* * *

After a while, McCoy got up, leaving Sam alone with Jim and Dean. "How you two feeling today? Want a high five?" Sam snickered at his own joke while Jim tried valiantly to gag. "So, Commander Spock has most of today off, and he said he'd be willing to entertain the two of you for a few hours. Sound good? Awesome, let's go." Sam floated the pair along to Spock's quarters as Jim wondered what his first officer could be up to. Knowing him, he was probably going to sit Jim and Dean down and stare at them all day, taking notes and murmuring shit like "fascinating" under his breath every five minutes. As bad as it sounds, Kirk was still looking forwards to erasing the memory of "girl's day" in Uhura's quarters.

Spock let the three in and once again Sam deposited them onto the couch before leaving. "Captain. Mr. Winchester." Spock greeted them solemnly. "I trust you are both remaining calm throughout this occurrence?" Jim and Dean had nothing to say to the man. Spock nodded slowly, whispering fascinating to himself. _Aha!_ Jim thought triumphantly. "I assume you are both unaware of the reason I agreed to watch over you today. The truth is, ever since the Enterprise has begun her mission, the only person who has been willing to sit as I play my lute is Lieutenant Uhura." Oh, shit. Dean had a bad feeling about where this was heading, and judging by the frantic look in Jim's eyes he was feeling the same way.

"So, it is only logical," Spock continued "that I take advantage of your utter inability to flee or offer unfair criticism of my musical talents as I perform for you. You will be the perfect audience: silent and attentive." The first officer pulled out his lute and began to strum softly in a logical progression of chords. "The first song I shall play for you is a ballad bonded Vulcans often play when they are in the mood to copulate. It is called _I Want Your Pon Farr_." Spock said softly. He began to play a song that was horrifyingly Vulcan, and if Dean had not been completely immobile he'd have run to the nearest airlock just to make it stop.

Stop it did, but Spock followed it up with another Vulcan classic called _Endure On Wayward Vulcan_. The man played forever, progressing from one folk tune to the next with only a pause to announce the title of each song before he began. Jim might've acknowledged that Spock was very talented at the Vulcan instrument if not for the quite successful attempt at mentally disengaging himself from his current situation. He focused on Spock again as his first officer said that he was on his last "tune" of the evening. "The following is the most logical choice to end my performance with this evening." Spock told them. "This tune is arguably the most beloved of all of the great Vulcan works of music. It is called _Stairway to Kohlinar_."

The song seemed to last forever. Dean tried to shake his head in horror, and was surprised when his neck actually allowed for the movement_. The red beam energy must be wearing off!_ he thought excitedly. Beside him Jim was reaching the same conclusion, and by the time Spock had finished his concert both of them had full movement back in their bodies. As one, they sprang up off of the couch, thanking Spock hurriedly for his concert and baking towards the door. Free to do so now, Dean wasted no time in scowling as he stomped down the hallway, stopping in front of the captain's quarters. He turned back to Jim and growled "They fucking set us up with that shit. I am not gonna let them get away with that. Sammy better watch his ass."

"Bones too," Jim agreed whole-heartedly. "Those two are dangerous together, Dean. Let's figure out how we're gonna get back at them. Come on inside, I'm gonna sonic off and change out of these clothes and we'll get down to business."

Dean sat down to wait, and had barely begun to relax when a giant bellow that sounded like "UHUUUURRRRAAAA!" came from the bathroom. Dean jumped up and started to ask what had happened as Jim stormed out of the bathroom with a look of supreme annoyance on his face. Kirk cut off Dean's words with a sharp hand gesture, and snarled the last thing that Dean Winchester expected. _"I have a big Enterprise on my left butt cheek."_

* * *

Don't hate me too much, please.


End file.
